ten years later

i was 17, a senior in high school. i was in my car in the dordt parking lot after dutch class, waiting for andrew kroeze and dan de jong to get out of calculus so that we could head to unity for the day. i flipped on the radio, looking for some music. i heard a news blip saying, "planes crashed into the towers." i stayed on the station to hear more. i remember thinking, "this can't be real. how could this happen?" more details came about the crash at the pentagon. i couldn't believe it.

when dan and andrew got to the car, i updated them. i don't remember their reactions or the car ride to school. but i remember school that day. in every classroom (even the lunchroom), the tv was turned to the news. over and over again, the planes were crashing into the twin towers. the scrolling news at the bottom continued to update the estimated death toll. we managed to get through classes, not learning much about math and spanish as much as learning our world was now unsafe.

in the week to come, i remember huddling on the videorocker in mom's sewing room, tv remote in hand, eyes glued to cnn. i couldn't stop watching the scrolling news.

each time i flew, i was grateful for the added security. i knew it meant that we were safer, that weapons couldn't be making it onto the aircraft. i'm embarrassed to say that i found myself occasionally profiling other passengers, worried each time i saw them get up and move to the bathroom at the front of the plane. were they going to hijack it?

fast forward to friday, september 9, 2011.  i was listening to npr on the way to work. friday morning is story corps time, where one person interviews another (usually a family member) about some part of their life. today, of course, they were previewing stories told about 9/11. i teared up when a little boy broke down sharing about his grandfather who died in the attacks. i realized how remote my experience of 9/11 truly was. i only felt the horror second-hand, sympathy going towards those who'd felt the loss keenly, who are still feeling the loss.

on friday, the writing prompt i gave my students asked them what was the significance of 9/11 for them. i expected that they would know exactly what i was talking about, so i was surprised when a student responded, "i'm not really sure what happened on 9/11. was that the one with the planes?" these kids were 3 or 4 on that day. they don't know anything first-hand about it. another student asked, "how did the hijackers get weapons through the security?" he didn't realize that the current amount of security at airports was a direct result of 9/11. one student asked me to share where i was on 9/11. i shared my story, remembering conversations with my dad about where he was when kennedy was shot. had i become the adult with first-hand knowledge about significant historical events? honestly, i never thought it would happen.

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. i just wanted to put words down for the sake of remembering those lost on 9/11. and i look forward to the day that we don't need to be fearful of anything anymore. until then, i will try, day by day, to surrender my fears and worries to God. he does not want us to live in fear, or act in fear. we are to live and act in trust and faith, and to be a blessing to those around us, whoever they are.

the ideal marriage

i have a bunch of thoughts, and i'm not sure i have the talent or patience to organize them. so here goes.

last night i finished reading the brothers k. it took well over a month of pretty consistent reading, and i cried my way through the final seventy-five pages or so (which reminds me of harry potter and the half-blood prince...anyway). after 600+ pages of family tensions and arguments and divisiveness, the book ends with hope and love. what brings the family together again is the death of a loved one. anytime i read about death, my mind unwillingly creates scenarios of my own loved ones dying and the realization that it will happen. this kind of melancholy is pretty common for me late at night when it's dark and i'm the only one awake. hence the overabundance of tears. (whoever said women are like spaghetti, where events and emotions from all parts of life are connected...well, they're right. at least about me.)

after finishing the book around 11:30 and mopping up my face, i realized i had been overhearing an argument from our neighbor's apartment. i initially wrote it off as conversation, but soon figured out that it was much more heated than that. confession: sometimes i can't help eavesdropping. in fact, i walked into the spare room and listened to the argument through the open window. only for a few minutes. i'm not sure why i do it. i guess it's like watching a car accident, or a movie. i'm fascinated by other people's lives, especially when they're so different from mine. this woman was on the phone with her boyfriend, yelling and swearing and accusing him of cheating, telling him she didn't want to talk, she just wanted sex, etc. after a few minutes, i didn't want to listen anymore. i felt overwhelmed by the sadness of the world. (what i really wanted to do was wake philip up and tell him how grateful i was for him, but i think he was glad i waited until this morning for that...)

back up to sunday morning's sermon, entitled "the ideal marriage." i love how tom takes scriptures that i have heard misused (and usually haven't realized have been misused) and shares the cultural context. this particular text was mark 10: 1-12--Jesus' perspective on divorce. this is a passage i've heard used against divorce, and of course divorce isn't in God's ideal plan. however, i can't reconcile this with the people i know who have been through divorce. it's painful and messy and it sucks.

tom shared the political and religious background of this text. the pharisees are testing Jesus because of herod and herodias. they had divorced their first spouses in order to marry each other. john the baptist was beheaded for condemning this, and the pharisees hoped Jesus was next. the pharisees' approach to the question is "what can i get away with?" while Jesus' approach is "what is God's intent?"

this blows my mind. Jesus takes the pharisees' narrow, negative, and legalistic view and turns it upside down, revealing God's grace and his love for his children. the question tom asked is "what do God's commands reveal about his heart?" God's desire for us and our marriages is to live out the great commandment of loving my neighbor, and who fits the definition of "neighbor" better than my spouse?

marriage is tough. it requires sacrifice and love and giving above all else. i've sporadically prayed for my own and others' marriages, but i'm going to pray more diligently for them. tom pointed out that the best support we have for marriage is prayer and the example of other long-married couples. i think i too easily take for granted couples who have been married a long time. but after hearing our neighbor's argument last night, i realize that lasting relationships and marriages are precious.

so i think you should go hug your husband or wife if you have one, and pray for marriages of people you love.

i am a 6-year-old

one of al's pictures from somewhere in montana (probably). love that big midwestern sky.

as i wrote on the family blog, we ordered a new camera (a nikon coolpix l120) that was supposed to arrive by tomorrow. we changed the shipping address to rod & vonnie's since we'll be leaving tomorrow to head down to ripon. then i found out the item is backordered. seriously? they couldn't say that on the website?

annoyed. and impatient. and my instinct is to cancel the order and go out and buy the camera immediately from a store. well, we got a really good deal on our camera online (no tax + free shipping) AND we're getting a memory card, mini-tripod, and camera case. this all was still cheaper than buying the camera only from a store. oh, and apparently this is a very popular model--no stores in bellingham have it in stock right now.

anyway, i calmed my little 6-year-old-self down and decided to be patient and get our great deal. i was mainly upset because we've been essentially camera-less since about january, and based on my reaction here, i've missed it. i know philip is the great photographer, but i really enjoy taking pictures. and i wanted the camera for our final summer vacation where there'd be a new nephew, a bridal shower, an anniversary party, a cabin, a boat...

sigh. ok. done with my pity party.

i'm also about ready for school to start. i've been doing battle with myself and my motivation to get things done at home. i usually get up and run around 7, and have a really productive 2ish hours. then there's the rest of the day. also, philip has been getting home from work around 11 or so most days, so we find ourselves getting bored easily and resorting to tv shows and movies (and naps and reading). it's almost harder to be productive when we're both at home. it's driving me crazy.

yesterday was a little better. we forced ourselves outside (it was a beautiful day, so theoretically that shouldn't have been too hard) and biked down to fairhaven. we got cupcakes and found out the african children's choir was performing behind village books. it was pretty cool to see! 

the last inspiration of the day was cruising the internet (something else that sucks up a lot of time) and finding this recipe. Um, cheese and bread together? Yes, please! So I made them for, er, dinner. They were delicious (perhaps not too healthy, though). 

wow, this is getting long. 

last thing--a booklist. Here are books that I recently enjoyed or am currently enjoying:

• the undertaking: life studies from the dismal trade   by thomas lynch
• the brothers k   by david james duncan
• from dawn to decadence: 500 years of western cultural life   by jacques burzan (this one'll take me awhile)

off to pack!

back for a bit

we're back from a 2 1/2 week road trip which included 4 days in missoula, 2ish days in sioux center, 7 days in branson, and the rest of the days in transit. i love road trips. i much prefer them to flying. more freedom. more control. less anxiety!

while in the midwest, i remembered how awesome heat is. yes, heat. and even humidity. i didn't mind it at all since we hit the swimming pool daily (or more). it was strange being back in sioux center/dad & mom's house/covenant crc. strange but good. things look different, yet exactly the same. they look bigger. (wider roads, less traffic...) it was a fabulous vacation.

we arrived home yesterday afternoon, excited to see our apartment (complete with new stove!) and our kitty. lil' ophums was happy to see us. she hung out with us all evening and slept on our bed nicely last night (no shoving philip off, no standing on our heads, no incessant meowing--just togetherness). coming home from vacation is awesome. of course, i have 6 loads of laundry to do today, plus catching up on lots of other things.

i am rediscovering my love for bellingham. we biked to trader joe's yesterday to get the kinks out, and the exercise felt good. the sun was out, it was 67 degrees, and it felt great. zero humidity with a breeze off the bay = delightful. i love the midwest. i love bellingham. this means i'm happy in different places. it's awesome.

i also went for a run this morning. that also felt good. i basically did zero exercise on vacation (except hiking up the crazy hill to the swimming pool--totally worth it!), despite my good intentions. i don't think humidity and running and i can be friends. i think i can be friends with running, but throwing humidity on top of it might just do me in. anyway, the run this morning felt great.

intentionality for this week before our next vacation? eat salads for dinner every night. as in, for our main dish. we need to detox from vacation. last night, philip made a delicious green salad with chicken, lemony vinaigrette dressing, sliced almonds, and feta & parmesan cheese. yummers.

off to enjoy this first day at home. i need to finish at least one of the 12 books i took on vacation!!

airless lungs, stretching tulips, and my favorite holiday

good morning, gentle readers,

i have gotten into the nasty habit of going for 15-minute wogs a few times a week. actually, it's not a nasty habit. i think it's probably good for me, despite my inability to fully catch my breath. i have a nice little route that i run and walk, and recently the running part has been increasing and the walking part has been decreasing. so exciting! i think spring is totally motivating me. while we've had rainy mornings this week, every single day has turned sunny by the time i get home from school. now that philip is in class until 6 each night, i have plenty of time to exercise and get some other things done (read: vegetate) before he gets home. i always wanted to be a runner (it's way cheaper than a gym membership!), but always felt unable to do it. while i am a LONG way from being a certified runner, i think i'm making progress. yay.

i love waking up at 6:45 on a saturday morning and seeing sun peeking around our dark curtains. i love that on my wogs i now see every shade of tulip stretching into the sun (and al, now i'm thinking of squashed and max the giant pumpkin). i love, love, LOVE flowers. especially brightly colored ones. i'm not sure i can think of anything i like better than fresh flowers in a vase on our table in the sunshine on a saturday morning.


and bellingham promises to be sunny and either 57 degrees or 63 degrees today, depending on who you pay attention to. i'm going with weather.com. huzzah!

plus, it's easter tomorrow, which is my favorite holiday. (i say that about every holiday, but this time i mean it.) i can't wait to celebrate communion and sing joyful songs to our God together with our church family.

He is (almost) risen!

ode to felicia

i sold the focus this week. felicia the focus is now happily settled one block away with one of our friends from small group. the money is nice. and we don't need the extra car. but i still feel like a bit of a traitor.

i get ridiculously attached to vehicles. for me, they are much more than a mode of transportation. it probably doesn't help that i name my cars. but to me, they are like family. they hold so many memories.

so, here goes my ode.

black and shiny
with a hole in the roof
saucy lil' spoiler
and attitude to boot

you've taken me places
i never thought i'd go
montana
(makin' friends)
washington
(makin' amends)

singing birthday tunes to mark
each thousand miles as we went
(that one time i forgot and
your tranny bit cement!)

driving 'round the country
when the silence rang true
my loyal companion when
others couldn't follow through

carried us away once we'd tied the knot
covered in messages
that would quickly rot
more quickly than the

black and shiny focus
with a hole in the roof
saucy lil' spoiler
and an attitude to boot

we've had our ups
we've had our downs
(darn all that lost money
for funny little sounds!)

you've carried kids
you've carried friends
just to name a few

philip, paul, and lauralee
nick and lari, too
dad, mom, allison, and bepa
and nephews (only two)

in my black and shiny focus
with a hole in the roof
saucy lil' spoiler
and the attitude to boot

the attitude she'll never lose
though she's gone away
i may receive a phone call
(today might be the day!)

that the shiny little focus
with the hole in the roof
and her saucy lil' spoiler
has too much attitude for you

felicia
88K - 150K
run in peace (not pieces)

i got way too much joy out of writing this. forgive the odd rhymes, the inconsistencies, and the pun-i-ness...i mean it from my heart.

adieu, old friend!

raindrops keep falling on my head

last week was a long week. between philip beginning school, me wading through piles of papers to be graded just to get to my desk, beginning a new unit with my 8th graders, waiting anxiously for spring break, and an unexpected death in our church, it was a long week. not only were we busy, we were emotionally drained by the time it was done. 

i only had one or two conversations with the woman who passed away, but i think i got a pretty good picture of who she was. she was a lynden christian school board member and encouraged me last summer as i was applying for jobs. she also was part of the committee that interviewed me for my job. i remember being in the interview and feeling encouraged by her constant smile. she was the type of person who could converse with anyone and make them feel as though they knew her. along with everyone else, i'm asking why. 

i'm glad to have spring break to relax a bit. technically, i'm on jury duty this week and next, but i didn't have to go in today. let's hope the pattern continues. i'd like to spend time with my teacher friends tomorrow, bring the car in for a much-needed oil change, and read books on the couch. today i was pretty productive: i was up at 6 (watching a movie), i went to the bank, grocery shopping, returned an item, did some laundry, and got my hair cut. (i think i finally found my stylist. she actually didn't try to sell me hair products or convince me that i wasn't putting enough effort into my looks. plus, we know some of the same people. yay, connections.)

it's also been cold and rainy for a whole week. rainier than usual. i miss sunshine and warmth. ophy and i are cuddling with each other to stay warm. cuddle, cuddle, cuddle.

not much intentionality in this post. i wanted to honor cheryl's memory and ask for prayers for her family (husband and three kids--two in college, one in 9th grade). she was a special woman who will be missed by all the communities she touched.